Uplift Life

Oh gosh.

March has begun.  It’s the month of no sugar.
Day one, and I already hate it.  (It’s going to be good for me right?)
I overcompensated yesterday with sweet yogurt and a cupcake and a mocha.  So not only am I coming off the sugar high but even moreso than usual.

No sugar in my cuppa this morning, plain yogurt, and no dessert at lunch.
Lord give me strength.

It’s going to be a LONG month.

Wow.  I can’t believe it’s March 1.
What happened to February?

I wanted to just post a little bit about the month of February.  If you remember, I shared at the start of the month that I would do some exercises in intimacy throughout the month of February.  I also mentioned how my beloved husband wasn’t really interested in my public sharing of our marriage life… so for his sake, I only posted one update in February.
Now that February’s experiment is over, I’d like to give some final thoughts…

1. Intimacy is hard.
Like, really, really hard.  Mostly because intimacy takes time, and it takes energy.  Two things that always seem to be in short supply around my house.  This month I got crazy sick and was out of commission for a few nights, Sam had a lot of extras on his plate and was exhausted a few nights, we were apart for a few nights when I took the kiddo up to visit Nana and Poppa.  Intimacy is hard.

2. Forcing Intimacy is even harder.
Instead of becoming a habit, which was the hopeful outcome of each month in this year-long project, this became an annoyance.  We were tired and sick and cranky and now we have to touch and answer questions and gosh if we really didn’t want to.  To be fair, most often the conversations ended up being great, and I did really feel like I connected to Sam in a better way… but sometimes we just checked it off the list and moved on.  That’s not intimacy, and it was an important lesson for me.

3. Intimacy is also not hard.
Ok so this might seem like I’m contradicting the other two points here, but really, it was surprising how little time it took to make sure we connected in some way each day.  Did we always feel like it? No.  And in the future maybe we’ll let it go.  But on those nights where we aren’t sick or exhausted or working, it is actually really easy to just turn off the phones and computers and take a few minutes for each other.

4. Intimacy is a choice.
Obviously I want to have a great marriage and a good relationship with my husband.  But if this month has taught me nothing else, I learned that I can choose.  I choose connection or disconnection.  I choose time together or time apart.  I choose conversation or one more chapter of reading.  It’s my choice.  And neither one is wrong.  I might need the time apart (or more realistically, Sam might need the time apart).  But recognizing that intimacy doesn’t just magically happen was an important lesson.  My choice matters for me and for my marriage, and so it’s important that I take the time to really listen carefully for what I need and what my marriage needs each night, and act accordingly.

Intimacy is hard.
Intimacy is easy.
and Intimacy is a choice.

Now on to March.

Just wanted to put a little project update out there, for any of you who follow.
This intimacy exercise has done a few things for my marriage at the halfway point:

1. It’s shown how little time we regularly take to intentionally talk about our marriage, our hopes, our dreams, etc.  It’s been a really lovely time.

2. Also, it has reminded me just how little work it actually is to take that time for each other.  Sure, we’re both tired, we’re both busy… there are other things we CAN do… but 30 minutes is really not that much in the grand scheme of the evening, and even just that simple 30 minutes a day can do so much.

3. Some of the questions from the list I posted at the start (find it here) are really not great at fostering conversation (cough cough 6,7, 15…).  But some are just lovely and have brought up interesting conversations.  Last night we were on #22… and the question was “alternate sharing something you consider a positive attribute of your partner, share at least 5 times.”  Man oh man.  Even if you aren’t doing this daily intimacy exercise along with me this month, I HIGHLY encourage you to do just this one on your next date night or intentional conversation night.  Oh all the feels.  And not just the feels, but really hearing the ways you are appreciated and loved for being uniquely you is just about the most wonderful thing to hear.  So do it.  Thank me later.
I think that’s it for now.
There is still time to jump into this intimacy exercise… see the February begins post for how to do it.
If nothing else, this month has shown me that SO FEW people take the time to work on their marriage daily.  We just become robots, or roommates, or business partners.  And while none of those are bad, I think they just aren’t what marriage is supposed to be about.
Anyway, all that to say that it is never too late to start creating good habits in your relationships.  No matter if you’ve been married 20 years or dating ten minutes –  it’s never too late.

So January has come and gone… wowza.  When did THAT happen?!

That means Water Month is done and on to the next.
I DO think my habits have drastically changed in reference to water, and I’m not sure I’ll make it to the gallon every day, but I do think I require a lot more water now than I used to.

So, to recap, things I learned in my month of drinking a gallon of water a day:
1. A Gallon is A LOT of water.  That last 10-20 ounces makes a HUGE difference.
2. What goes in, must come out.
3. I did not get sick once. Though people around me were sick, I managed to squeak by without the crud.  It could be a combination of things, but I think the water was the main factor.
4. When I drink other things, I drink less water.  This is a DUH point, I know, but when I have a beer with dinner, or coffee in the morning, I drink less water.  The body only has room for so much liquid, and it’s pretty eye-opening to realize the cost of each drink you have that isn’t water.
5. Same goes for caloric intake.  I eat and snack less the more water I drink.  Funny how often I thought I was hungry when really I was just thirsty.

I think that’s it.
I’m aiming to keep this going, at around 100 ounces a day.  The 128-ounces (gallon) whenever it’s possible.

So that brings us to February.
Which I originally labeled as sex.
This sex month idea all started when I read an article about being married with kids where the author said she didn’t just want to be roommates who happen to be raising a kids together.  This was a powerful image for me… and one that I think a LOT of people can relate to.  I don’t think Sam and I are there now, but we are pretty intentional about not becoming that way.  After a busy week of working, including getting to the gym, evening meetings, and difficult parenting moments, sometimes it’s all we can do to stay awake by the time Layla goes to bed.  And usually I don’t even do that. So to stay awake and then expect us to remain engaged and intimate is a LOT to ask.
This risk – the easy ability to fall into habits that are roommate like, and not marriage-like – is something I want to avoid at all costs.  I love Sam.  He’s my person.  And while I cannot imagine a scenario where I’m not married to him, I can see how easy it would be to develop habits that turn us into roommates and not spouses.

So what does that mean?
Well, originally I thought February’s “project” would be sex once a day with my hubs.  And while that wouldn’t be bad, or impossible, I’ve wondered (as has Sam) if this will turn something good into a chore.  As in, we HAVE to do this as a part of the project, instead of something we WANT to do.  Nobody wants that.
But this is still an important part of my 12:30 project, and I’m committed to it, so I think what I’m going to aim for is 30 minutes of intentional couple time per day to promote intimacy.  Layla goes to bed at 7:30… Sam and I usually are there by 10 or 10:30.  That’s three hours where we work, read, watch tv, surf the internet, etc.  If, in that three hours, I cannot spare 30 minutes for my marriage, then I think there’s another conversation to be had.
So – 30 minutes a day to promote intimacy.
Here are the parameters, in case you want to do this with your spouse this month:
1. No phones, tv, music, or any other electronics
2. Physical contact required (even just holding hands) unless not in the same house
3. Each day we’ll ask one of these 36 questions, starting with 1-4 today, 5-9 tomorrow, 10-12 on Wednesday, and then one each day until the end of the month.
4. Four minutes of eye contact (from above mentioned linked article)

That’s it.
If it leads to sex – great!
If it doesn’t – that’s ok too.
But this changes the focus – and for the better, I think.

Lastly, while I am open and perfectly comfortable talking about this kind of stuff (probably from my youth ministry years), this month’s theme takes 2, and so Sam’s level of comfort cannot and will not be discounted.  And since he hasn’t spent 10 years of his life talking to teenagers about sex and relationships, his comfort level is significantly lower than mine.
So I won’t be daily blogging this stuff.  I won’t be talking about my sex life on the internet.
But what I will be doing is reflect on the questions and my reactions, as well as how I’m feeling as the month progresses.  Sam’s feelings and privacy are important, and I want to respect them.

WHEW!!!  That was  A LOT OF BLOG.

But if you are married, or in a significant relationship, I do hope that you join me in this month of the 12:30 project.  It won’t be easy, but I do think the best things usually aren’t.